seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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