What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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