We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Randomize
