I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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