just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
