Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
