She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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