you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
