All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Randomize
