I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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