Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Randomize
