life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
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