she was so not down for the gang bang
im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize
