i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
