Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
ttyl tear gas
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
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