I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
