Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Randomize
