I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
