I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Randomize
