I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Randomize
