someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Randomize
