He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Damn victory sex feels great
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Randomize
