You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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