This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
Randomize
