the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize
