Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Randomize
