New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
OPIZZABONMYDICK
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
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