u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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