just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
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