Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
