If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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