Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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