what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
