Hahaha, sighhhh...I texted him to no response. It's a shame, really...I would gladly exchange my body for pizza rills.
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
