i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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