I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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