It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
