when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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