Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Randomize
