meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
