I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Randomize
