She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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