My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
