last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
