Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
