Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
