I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Randomize
