Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I just saw Ann slam dunk her puke bag into a trash can on Avenue A. You ladies might want to consider putting the Patron shots down and going home.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
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