she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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