Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
